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Discover how traditional Chinese family values (roles of elders, parents, children) interact with modern life in China. Understand Chinese society better.
When you visit a country, among other experiences, getting to know the culture and society of the place can be very enlightening. In China, family is regarded as the most important part of an individual's life. While modern Chinese families have abandoned many old practices, the importance attributed to family remains strong.
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The Traditional Chinese Family
China is known for its strong family system. Traditionally, the Chinese family had well-defined roles for different family members.
Respect for Elders
Elders were supposed to be respected and followed unquestioningly.
In Chinese culture elders are viewed as a source of wisdom and spirituality, and they are respected to the extent that questioning their authority is considered offensive.
In traditional Chinese houses altars are made for deceased elders to honor and remember them. Even after departing from the world they are supposed to be the guiding forces in spirit. See more on The Culture of Death in China.
Middle-Generation Parents as Providers
Parents (or working-age adults) too had a very important part to play in the family as providers for all. While the elders were always at the controlling end for reasons of respect, the next generation married and had children as young as possible, and then worked as hard as possible to provide for both their parents and children.
Children as Future Investments
Children had no authority over their own life and decisions were always made for them. Youngsters were always at the receiving end of family decisions. They were rigorously trained and prepared to serve their elders.
Men vs Women: Patriarchal Influence on the Family
In addition to being patriarchal, Chinese society is patrilineal. Therefore, even after marrying into a household, women are seen as the outsiders. In the Chinese family every relation has a different name. The names for family members on the maternal side begin with wai meaning 'outside'.
Emphasizing their external position, women who marry in China don't adopt their husbands' family name and retain their own family name. For example, if Miss Wang marries Mr Li, she becomes Mrs Wang, not Mrs Li.
Women's role in the family was firstly as child bearers, then as home makers and workers, always subservient to the men of the house.
How Changes in China Are Affecting Family Values
Even though times and attitudes are changing, some of the practices are so deep rooted within the culture that it is almost impossible to erase them completely. Where independence is encouraged early on in a child's life in the West, in China interdependence is taught, practiced and encouraged.
![Chinese Chinese](/uploads/1/1/9/3/119380578/650368558.jpg)
Children are not just raised by parents but often two or four grandparents too (usually firstly paternal grandparents). Chinese people often end up making important life decisions just because of the pressure from their elders.
The One-Child Policy
After the implementation of the one-child policy (1979-2015), Chinese society faced some major social imbalances. Since, in China a male child is responsible for the continuation of the family lineage, female infanticide became common. This restriction resulted in too much pressure on a single (male) child which consequently led to what is known as the 'Little Emperor Syndrome'.
The Little Emperor Syndrome
The extra-focused upbringing of a single child by parents and grandparents lead to a generation of spoiled individuals who would later be regarded as the self-centered, disobedient lot (“the Chinese millennials”).
The pressure that the whole generation underwent during its developmental years resulted in a generation of disturbed individuals who lack focus and a sense of responsibility. This generation is also held responsible for the further deterioration of the traditional Chinese family.
Filial Piety and Its Slow Disappearance from China
In present times, the norms of respect for elders are also changing drastically. So much so that elders may now even be facing a complete lack of respect from youngsters as they march towards a more individualistic society.
New Laws Concerning Marriage
In the 1950s new laws were introduced to the social scene in order to reform feudal practices and make more room for individuals and their needs.
Some of these laws included prohibition of live-in relationships, child marriage, and interference with the remarriage of widows. These laws advocated freedom of choosing ones' partners, equal rights for both sexes and respect for the elderly and care for the young.
Even though the laws were made, their implementation was still a major problem (owing to ever-changing national priorities in the early Communist era).
After undergoing the 10-year-long Cultural Revolution (1966-1976), Chinese society experienced a decline in its long-held moral values, which resulted in a value vacuum and a reassertion of feudal era practices with greater force.
In 1981 marriage laws were revised again. Women were given more rights and the minimum age for marriage was raised (22 for men, 20 for women). For the sake of population control, late marriage and childbirth was encouraged.
Divorce was made easier to obtain, which meant that unlike in old times, couples would not have to stay in a loveless marriage just for the sake of their parents and children.
For more on how things were, see Ancient Chinese Marriage Customs.
Western Influences (1980s onwards)
With the rapid growth of the Chinese economy came a growth in Western influences. In a world of communication and connectivity the Chinese society adapted to the new ways rather quickly. The modern family became more couple-centric. Unlike their ancestors, the focus of the marriage was shifted from childbearing to the individual needs of the couple.
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The Modern Chinese Family
One of the most strikingly beautiful aspects of the Chinese culture is that despite being very strong in its set of beliefs and values, over time it has accepted modern influences and inculcated them into its culture without losing traditions completely.
The traditional roles and ways are still respected and given importance, but the modern family is more open and welcoming towards the needs of the current era.
The Chinese DINK Family (Double Income No Kids)
The modern Chinese family is more diverse in its structure. Couples no longer marry merely for the continuation of their lineage. Love has now became the center of the marriage. Despite reluctant parents, couples can now choose not to have kids and merely focus on their careers and the quality of their life.
While some couples choose not to have (so many) kids in order to avoid the financial burden of raising children, others avoid it to rebel against the traditional ways.
The Invisible Kid
Even though the DINK lifestyle is widely popular some couples eventually give in to their parents' pleas as they are pressurized to provide heirs for the continuation of the family lineage. These reluctant couples, who are psychologically rebelling against the old ways, leave their child(ren) to be raised by the over-loving grandparents.
This not-so-new practice leads to an estrangement of the child from the parents, but is a practical arrangement for poorer families, where income from the middle generation is relied upon to provide for retired parents and dependent children.
The Effects of the Rapid Rise of the Chinese Economy
As old farming ways give way to mechanization and larger farms, and the cost of living rises, more and more rural couples head to the cities as migrant construction/factory workers.
Family values, despite being a social issue, influence several domains because of the importance attributed to them in Chinese culture. Chinese couples are often responsible for providing for extended families, and therefore they are forced to look for better opportunities to earn away from home. For these homesick employees, independent decision-making becomes an issue as well as the pressure to earn more and more for dependent relatives.
Festivals and Holidays
The Chinese culture, despite undergoing several changes, is still rooted in its traditional values. Family and home are still the two most important components of an individual's life. It is a custom for those living away to make long journeys home for Chinese New Year and other traditional Chinese festivals.
Will Chinese Family Values Survive in Future?
Even after a number of significant changes, the basic Chinese family structure and its workings remain the same. While most societies are experiencing a cultural death, the Chinese culture is still very much alive with its strong values and belief system still governing the lives of individuals.
With global individualism and economics now affecting all (though somewhat less in China due to controls on education, the media, etc.), a complete preservation of interdependent extended family culture seems impossible.
The need of the hour is to consider and incorporate individual needs without losing the structural importance of the family.
Visiting a Chinese Family with China Highlights
Several of our tour products give you the opportunity to visit a Chinese family. You can also ask to visit a local family anywhere in China while booking and our travel experts will do their best to tailor it into your tour in a way that suits you.
In Beijing's hutongs you can make dumplings with a local family and learn about life in the traditional housing areas of Beijing. On our Tibet Everest Tour you can visit a Tibetan family living in simple conditions.
Having a family visit is mentioned on our Longji Terraced Fields page, where it is possible to see the way of life of the local minority people through having a meal with them. On our Guilin tours there are several family visit options, not just in Longji. You can also visit your travel advisor's family.
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A kid plays the piano in front of an audience of adults in Wuhan, Hubei Province. Photo: CFP
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When speaking of 'Chinese parents,' words like controlling, strict, and authoritarian usually come to mind, thanks in part to Amy Chua, a Yale law professor, who wrote about how she educated her two daughters as a 'Tiger Mother' almost two years ago.
But why are Chinese parents, and perhaps parents in East Asian countries as well, so controlling? Scientists are trying to unravel the cultural and psychological reasons behind it.
A study by psychologists proposes that the reason why Chinese parents are more controlling probably lies in the fact that they are more likely to associate their children's performance, in school and in life, with their own worth. But social pressure, tradition of obedience may also play a part.
The research paper, entitled 'Why Are Chinese Mothers More Controlling Than American Mothers?' surveyed 215 mothers and children in China and the US six years ago and the results were published in the recent issue of Child Development Journal.
Parents and children were surveyed twice over a year to indicate the extent to which the parents used psychological controlling practices, which usually involved emotional punishment, such as inducing guilt. For instance, if a child does something the parents don't like, parents may act less friendly toward it or tell the child that they should feel guilty.
Child-based worth
Some examples of psychological manipulation can be found in Chua's story. In her book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, Chua, a Chinese-American, wrote about her constant battles with her two daughters as she pushed them to excel in school, piano and violin. She wrote that any grade less than an A was unacceptable and sleepovers or play dates were not allowed. When her daughter refused to practice the piano, she called her 'lazy, cowardly, self-indulgent and pathetic.'
Parents were also asked to indicate the extent to which they felt their self-worth was based on their children's achievements.
For instance, parents were asked to rate to what extent they feel bad about themselves when their child fails, or whether their child's failure makes them feel ashamed.
The study found that Chinese mothers based their worth on children's performance more than European and African American mothers, and that this contributed to the difference in parental control among Chinese and American mothers.
This research doesn't just look at the differences between Chinese and US parents, but it established a correlation between parents' child-based worth and their use of psychological control. It means that mothers with greater child-based worth are more controlling, said Florrie Fei-Yin Ng, a professor of psychology at Chinese University of Hong Kong, and lead author of the paper.
'The more the parents feel that their worth hinges on their children's performance, the more pressure they have to do whatever they can to push their kids,' said Ng.
In Chinese communities, parents often compare their children's performances either in public or in private. Parents often say to their children, 'We're doing this for your own good' or 'Everything I did, I did for you.'
Although many young parents in their 20s or 30s say they don't want to put too much pressure on their children as their parents did, they still admit that if their children don't do well in school, they would feel embarrassed or feel that they had 'lost face.'
But why are Chinese parents, and perhaps parents in East Asian countries as well, so controlling? Scientists are trying to unravel the cultural and psychological reasons behind it.
A study by psychologists proposes that the reason why Chinese parents are more controlling probably lies in the fact that they are more likely to associate their children's performance, in school and in life, with their own worth. But social pressure, tradition of obedience may also play a part.
The research paper, entitled 'Why Are Chinese Mothers More Controlling Than American Mothers?' surveyed 215 mothers and children in China and the US six years ago and the results were published in the recent issue of Child Development Journal.
Parents and children were surveyed twice over a year to indicate the extent to which the parents used psychological controlling practices, which usually involved emotional punishment, such as inducing guilt. For instance, if a child does something the parents don't like, parents may act less friendly toward it or tell the child that they should feel guilty.
Child-based worth
Some examples of psychological manipulation can be found in Chua's story. In her book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, Chua, a Chinese-American, wrote about her constant battles with her two daughters as she pushed them to excel in school, piano and violin. She wrote that any grade less than an A was unacceptable and sleepovers or play dates were not allowed. When her daughter refused to practice the piano, she called her 'lazy, cowardly, self-indulgent and pathetic.'
Parents were also asked to indicate the extent to which they felt their self-worth was based on their children's achievements.
For instance, parents were asked to rate to what extent they feel bad about themselves when their child fails, or whether their child's failure makes them feel ashamed.
The study found that Chinese mothers based their worth on children's performance more than European and African American mothers, and that this contributed to the difference in parental control among Chinese and American mothers.
This research doesn't just look at the differences between Chinese and US parents, but it established a correlation between parents' child-based worth and their use of psychological control. It means that mothers with greater child-based worth are more controlling, said Florrie Fei-Yin Ng, a professor of psychology at Chinese University of Hong Kong, and lead author of the paper.
'The more the parents feel that their worth hinges on their children's performance, the more pressure they have to do whatever they can to push their kids,' said Ng.
In Chinese communities, parents often compare their children's performances either in public or in private. Parents often say to their children, 'We're doing this for your own good' or 'Everything I did, I did for you.'
Although many young parents in their 20s or 30s say they don't want to put too much pressure on their children as their parents did, they still admit that if their children don't do well in school, they would feel embarrassed or feel that they had 'lost face.'
Lying to make you better
Perhaps another example of parental manipulation is lying. According to a study that compares the use of lies by US and Chinese parents, while the vast majority of parents in both countries have lied to their children to influence their behaviors, Chinese parents lie more and approve of it to a greater degree than their US counterparts.
Scientists in the US, China and Canada showed 114 parents in the US and 85 in China a list of lies that parents might use with their children. Parents were told to identify whether they'd used such statements and rate to what extent these lies are acceptable.
Some of the lies sound like common parenting tricks: 'Finish all your food or you'll grow up to be short,' 'If you don't come with me now, I'll leave you here by yourself' or 'If you don't behave, we will throw you into the ocean to feed the fish.'
The study, published last November in the International Journal of Psychology, found that 84 percent of US parents and 98 percent of Chinese parents reported telling at least one lie similar to those on the list. It suggests that instrumental lying may be more common among Chinese parents who expressed greater acceptance of parental lying, even though parents in both countries view lying as a negative attribute in children.
But when it comes to lying in order to protest their children's feelings, Chinese parents lie in fewer instances than US parents, according to the study.
The results are consistent with differences between Asian Americans and Americans of European descent, the paper writes. Researchers suggest that cross-cultural differences may reflect 'greater concern with social cohesiveness and a greater emphasis on respect and obedience in Asian cultures that encourages parents to be more willing to lie to achieve these ends.'
To elaborate on the approach, the paper quoted a Chinese parent as saying, 'When teaching children, it is okay to use well-intentioned lies. It can promote positive development and prevent your child from going astray.'
Adverse effects
Numerous studies have found that too much parental control undermines children's psychological development, afflicting them with depression and low self-esteem among other negative effects.
Wang Qian, a professor of psychology at Chinese University and Hong Kong, and Eva Pomerantz, professor of psychology at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, have both spent years studying the effect of different parenting techniques on children's development and comparing the differences of Chinese and Western parents.
It is usually believed that parental control may have a greater impact on children in Western culture which places more emphasis on independence than in East Asian cultures. But in 2009, Wang and Pomerantz published a study that showed similarly negative effects of parental control on children's psychological functioning in the US and in China.
Many parents, especially Chinese parents, have a tendency to center their whole life around their children. It's an unhealthy relationship, said Ng. 'There should be proper boundaries between parents and children,' she added.
Chinese Parents' Expectations
Over the years there have been sporadic reports of such parent-child tension exploding in more extreme ways such as suicide, patricide or matricide. Many young people are also now voicing their anger and frustration at their parents. A group called 'Parents are hazards' exists on Douban, a social media network in China. Founded in 2008, the group now has close to 64,000 members. Teenagers and young adults tell stories about how their parents pressured, controlled and oppressed them seemingly without regard to their personal interests and emotional well-being.Chinese Parents Free Download
However, involvement of parents in their children's life isn't always a bad thing. There have been studies that show a marked degree of parental involvement in education improves children's performances in school.
Chinese Parents Ign
Cultural factors
Drawing on other studies, Ng and her co-authors listed a number of cultural factors that may contribute to more controlling parents. Chinese culture is more interdependent and is often considered a 'face' culture. Therefore 'parents may incorporate children's accomplishments into their view of themselves,' they wrote.
Zou Hong, a professor of developmental psychology at Beijing Normal University, agrees that the traditional belief that parents are responsible for children's education and accomplishments is an important factor in parents' heightened involvement in children's lives. However, she doesn't think it necessarily means parents' sense of worth is based on their children.
'Failing to educate the child is the fault of the father,' as an old saying goes. 'We've always emphasized education and see it as the responsibility of the parents to educate their children and to build their character,' said Zou.
Chinese culture also emphasizes parental authority, as well as respect and obedience on the part of the children.
The fact that most Chinese parents would depend on their children to support them in their old age may be another reason why parents are set on ensuring a bright future for their children. 'Since we can't depend on the government or society, I've only got my boy to depend on. So the better off he turns out in the future, the more secure my life would be later on,' said a mother in Fujian Province surnamed Lin, who has a 4-year-old boy.
Zou also admits that the common definition of success in China may be too limited in terms of social status, as a good job and steady income are often the most important thing, while in the West the primary goal may be to develop an independent-thinking individual. Many parents like Lin still hope their children will at least have a college education.
Social mobility may be at play here, as Alan Paul points out. An American author and musician, Paul calls himself 'Panda Dad' in contrast to Chua's 'Tiger Mom.' In response to the Tiger Mom controversy, he wrote in an article for the Wall Street Journal, saying that 'it's easy to understand a traditional Chinese drive for perfection in children: it is a huge nation with a long history of people thriving at the top and scraping by at the bottom without much in between.'
Chinese parents have much to learn. 'Most parents' intentions are good; it's just the way they educate and interact with their children may be problematic,' said Zou. 'Many only want obedience and don't know how to communicate with the children as an independent person.'
Experts disagree whether things will become better or worse for the children. Ng believes that competition in society is getting more fierce and not only in the academic sense. 'Parents are likely to be under more pressure and therefore become more demanding on their children, pushing them to excel not only in school, but in all the other aspects,' she said.
Zou, on the other hand, sees hope in the younger generation who are becoming parents. They may become less authoritarian than their parents' and grandparents' generation. 'Young people today are more willing to learn about parenting and have more access to information such as psychology; and they would also reflect on how they were brought up as a kid, and perhaps change things,' she said.
Drawing on other studies, Ng and her co-authors listed a number of cultural factors that may contribute to more controlling parents. Chinese culture is more interdependent and is often considered a 'face' culture. Therefore 'parents may incorporate children's accomplishments into their view of themselves,' they wrote.
Zou Hong, a professor of developmental psychology at Beijing Normal University, agrees that the traditional belief that parents are responsible for children's education and accomplishments is an important factor in parents' heightened involvement in children's lives. However, she doesn't think it necessarily means parents' sense of worth is based on their children.
'Failing to educate the child is the fault of the father,' as an old saying goes. 'We've always emphasized education and see it as the responsibility of the parents to educate their children and to build their character,' said Zou.
Chinese culture also emphasizes parental authority, as well as respect and obedience on the part of the children.
The fact that most Chinese parents would depend on their children to support them in their old age may be another reason why parents are set on ensuring a bright future for their children. 'Since we can't depend on the government or society, I've only got my boy to depend on. So the better off he turns out in the future, the more secure my life would be later on,' said a mother in Fujian Province surnamed Lin, who has a 4-year-old boy.
Zou also admits that the common definition of success in China may be too limited in terms of social status, as a good job and steady income are often the most important thing, while in the West the primary goal may be to develop an independent-thinking individual. Many parents like Lin still hope their children will at least have a college education.
Social mobility may be at play here, as Alan Paul points out. An American author and musician, Paul calls himself 'Panda Dad' in contrast to Chua's 'Tiger Mom.' In response to the Tiger Mom controversy, he wrote in an article for the Wall Street Journal, saying that 'it's easy to understand a traditional Chinese drive for perfection in children: it is a huge nation with a long history of people thriving at the top and scraping by at the bottom without much in between.'
Chinese parents have much to learn. 'Most parents' intentions are good; it's just the way they educate and interact with their children may be problematic,' said Zou. 'Many only want obedience and don't know how to communicate with the children as an independent person.'
Experts disagree whether things will become better or worse for the children. Ng believes that competition in society is getting more fierce and not only in the academic sense. 'Parents are likely to be under more pressure and therefore become more demanding on their children, pushing them to excel not only in school, but in all the other aspects,' she said.
Zou, on the other hand, sees hope in the younger generation who are becoming parents. They may become less authoritarian than their parents' and grandparents' generation. 'Young people today are more willing to learn about parenting and have more access to information such as psychology; and they would also reflect on how they were brought up as a kid, and perhaps change things,' she said.